


disorderly

by chtkwn (mooshu)



Series: disorderly au [1]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Autism, M/M, Neurodiversity, autistic!leo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-22 23:06:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3746968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooshu/pseuds/chtkwn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taekwoon is a lion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning for anxiety, panic attacks maybe?, ableism, slurs (the r word), slight homophobia, some abuse, mentions of sex
> 
> started from [this](http://lunarmelodies.tumblr.com/post/74025957838/au-where-vixx-are-kindergartners-and-leo-shows-up).
> 
>  
> 
> [russian translation](https://ficbook.net/readfic/4093362) \- thanks to [grintmary](http://twitter.com/grintmary)!

Taekwoon is a lion.

Nearly everyone, from his parents to his sisters to his doctor tries to tell him, "Taekwoon, you're a little boy. Not a lion." But he refuses to believe it, to accept it. He covers his ears with his tiny hands, roaring and screaming like a terrifying beast at everyone that tries to change him. He refuses to wear anything but his lion onesie, and it's not uncommon to see him leaping around on all fours instead of two.

He's not a boy. He's a _lion_.

Taekwoon starts kindergarten at five years old. Everyone is so worried about him, and how he'll do in school. He throws a fit as his parents walk him in on the first day; kicking and crying and screaming. He doesn't want to go to school, he wants to stay at home, in his room, his "den", as he calls it. As soon as his parents' sit him down in the classroom he darts off, going under the nearest desk he can find, hiding. He stops screaming once he's there, peeking up towards his parents, who's talking to a teacher. He only catches a few words, such as "problems", "special", "trouble". He hears those words a lot.

"Bye, Taekwoonie," his mother says, bending down to take a look at him. "Be good, okay?"

Taekwoon growls. At first, he was sad at the idea of being away from his mother all day but at this moment he feels angry. Angry at her for putting him in school, for making him come, for yelling at him when he ripped the button off of his new school shirt this morning. Angry at her for even buying it when she knows he wears his lion onesie only, nothing else.

His parents leave, and he's left alone underneath the desk for a while. He counts the flecks of black in the white floor tile until the teacher fetches him- or tries to. She fails at first, Taekwoon growling and biting at her. Taekwoon despises people, especially strangers.

She eventually lures him out with a pack of cookies, and not to mention he was getting quite sore laying on the floor. He nibbles on one as she shows him his desk, and introduces him to a lady named Jinmi. Jinmi is going to be his "helper", they tell him, and will be with Taekwoon all throughout the school day.

School officially starts when all the students have arrived and settled into their seats. Their first official assignment will be standing up and telling everyone your name, and what you like to do, their teacher tells them.

This is easy. His name is Jung Taekwoon and he likes being a lion. He knows, but when it's his turn he just sits there, staring up at the ceiling. It's hard for him to do words, and everyone is staring at him, intensifying the problem. Jinmi speaks for him instead, but she only says his name, and nothing about being a lion. He wants to bite her.

They do a lot of little, easy things that day. Coloring and counting. Taekwoon is good at counting, and he loves numbers. He can count all the way to 100 in his head. It frustrates him that everyone else thinks he can only go to 10. It's just that he always runs out of fingers.

They go to the cafeteria, and eat lunch. Taekwoon is only able to get through three chicken nuggets before losing it at the sounds of pans clattering in the kitchen, children talking all around him, the noise getting to be too much. He screams, and darts away, not knowing where to go exactly, but he needs to get away from the noise. Jinmi catches him soon enough, and takes a crying Taekwoon back to his class' table.

After that, he's sick of school. Back in the classroom, he rips the new coloring sheet his teacher passes out in half, climbing underneath his desk, ignoring Jinmi. He knows several pairs of his classmates' eyes are on him, and he growls at them, showing off his sharp lion teeth.

One of the kids go, "He's scary!", and he feels so satisfied that someone has finally noticed how ferocious he is. He roars loudly in response, making the kid jump.

Jinmi pulls Taekwoon from underneath the desk, offering him another cookie. He takes it, never one to turn down any type of food, especially sweets.

It's the end of his very first day of school now. He has to ride the bus to his grandparents' house with Jinmi, because his parents are still at work. The bus he rides on is shorter than the rest, and it annoys him. Why couldn't he ride on a big bus, too? He whines a bit, trying to pull Jinmi over to the big buses, but she insists on the short one.

He wants to bite her again.

 

 

It's been a month since kindergarten started. Taekwoon is still a lion. He eats lunch with Jinmi in the classroom now, just the two of them, after trying to bolt out of the cafeteria nearly everyday for two weeks. He likes Jinmi a lot more now, and never wants to bite her.

They get someone new in their class. His name is Hakyeon. Taekwoon doesn't know any of his other classmates' names, but he remembers Hakyeon's because it sounds pretty and he likes the way it feels on his tongue. He says it, over and over, each day, "Hakyeon, Hakyeon, Hakyeon." His parents are excited that he's learned a new word.

But Taekwoon's still shy, and is not a people person. He hides underneath his desk during play time, smashing his two Hot Wheels cars together head first, repeatedly. It's one of his favorite games to play.

No one bothers him until Hakyeon does one day, bending down to see what's going on underneath the desk. "Hi!"

Taekwoon, surprised, growls at him instinctively, making sure to show his teeth. He's been drinking more milk lately in order to make them strong.

Hakyeon looks taken aback, but doesn't budge. "I'm Hakyeon!" he says, smiling at Taekwoon. "Do you want to play with my Legos?"

Taekwoon, while still growling, thinks about Hakyeon's offer for a moment. He likes Legos, and has a set of them at home. He doesn't exactly like to build with them though, but sort them by size and color. But one of his older sisters' once told him he didn't play with them right, and he hasn't really touched the set since then.

"Are you a lion?" Hakyeon asks, interrupting his thoughts. "I'm a..." He pulls out a giraffe headband he had been holding behind his back, something Taekwoon had been completely unaware of. "Giraffe!" Hakyeon finishes, giggling.

This triggers something inside of Taekwoon. He remembers ages ago, watching a lion documentary on the Animal Planet channel. He remembers one scene where the lion jumped onto the back of a giraffe, biting a huge chunk of flesh right off.

Taekwoon's a lion. Hakyeon's a giraffe.

He roars, bringing himself on all fours. Hakyeon is still smiling at him, completely oblivious to his oncoming attack.

And Taekwoon pounces, knocking Hakyeon onto the ground, making the boy gasp in surprise. He pins him down by his arms, growling and roaring into his face. Hakyeon looks scared now, and his eyes are a bit watery with fear.

Taekwoon hasn't even gotten to the best part of his attack yet, and he gets his teeth ready, about to bite right into his classmate's neck when he feels a pair of hands grab him, peeling him away.

It's Jinmi. "Taekwoonie! This isn't nice," she scolds him. He growls at her, angry. You never interrupt a lion's attack, _ever_.

Their teacher is there too, helping Hakyeon off the ground, as well. "Hakyeon, are you okay?" she asks. "Did he hurt you?"

Hakyeon shakes his head. "No."

"You shouldn't do that to people," his teacher says, turning her attention to Taekwoon. "I'm sorry, but I think I'm gonna have to give you time out during the rest of play time."

Taekwoon hates time out. He can't sit still, and more than once they've taped his hands to the arms of the time out chair, making it impossible for him to move. He immediately starts to whine, tugging on Jinmi's hand and pointing at the door, wanting to leave.

"You've been a bad boy, Taekwoon," she tells him gently.

Taekwoon is nearly in tears. "Noooo, no, no," he tells her.

Hakyeon, who is still there, watching, speaks up again. "But it was an accident. We were playing safari."

The teacher and Jinmi both looks so surprised, exchanging glances. Taekwoon is still whining, hopping up and down now, a signal of distress.

"Okay," the teacher starts hesitantly. "If it was an accident..."

Hakyeon nods. Taekwoon squeals.

"Then I guess no time out," she finishes. "But you need to be careful next time, Taekwoonie."

Taekwoon darts back underneath the desk, happy he doesn't have time out anymore. The teacher goes back to what she was doing, but Jinmi stays behind to make sure he doesn't cause anymore trouble.

Hakyeon leaves, as well, and Taekwoon watches as he plays with his Legos across the room. He kind of wishes he had accepted his offer.

 

 

Somehow, slowly but surely, Taekwoon and Hakyeon becomes friends. It starts when Taekwoon goes over to Hakyeon, who is playing with a kitchen set, and yelling, "NOODLES!" Hakyeon then happily "cooks" him noodles, and it goes from there. Sometimes playing cooking, other times with Legos, and sometimes with Taekwoon's Hot Wheels.

Hakyeon soon asks if he can stay in the classroom to eat lunch with Taekwoon and Jinmi, and the teacher agrees, touched by Hakyeon's generosity. Everyday, without fail, he brings a big chocolate chip cookie in his lunch box, giving half to Taekwoon. Taekwoon shows his gratitude by giving Hakyeon the sticker off his apple.

It's also Hakyeon who asks his parents if Taekwoon can go over to his house. They contact Taekwoon's parents, who is ecstatic that their little boy has a friend at school. They arrange to meet at Hakyeon's house, Taekwoon's very first play date. It goes better than expected, and they decide to let the boys continue to see each other.

And it goes from there.

 

 

They're in fifth grade now. Taekwoon still likes to think of himself as a lion, but he doesn't wear the onesie anymore after he grew out of it three years ago. He doesn't growl a lot now, either. Only when he's angry.

Overall, he's really mellowed out since kindergarten.

Hakyeon is still the same. All smiles and talk. They're best friends, and are inseperable. He's became Taekwoon's "assistant", kinda, following him around and helping him. In fact, in fifth grade, they have two desks pushed together to make a table for them. Taekwoon does a lot better now, but still needs an occasional hand, so they chose Hakyeon to be his helper, because they're close and Hakyeon is responsible for his age.

"Taekwoonie, you okay?" Hakyeon whispers every once and a while throughout the day and Taekwoon nods each time (or, on bad days, shakes his head).

They eat lunch together, alone, inside the classroom because the cafeteria noises are still too much. Hakyeon still brings the same chocolate chip cookie, everyday, and Taekwoon wonders if he has an unlimited supply at his house or something.

During lunchtime, Hakyeon likes to go to the board, marker in hand, pretending to be a teacher. Or sometimes, he draws animals and other things for Taekwoon. Or he reads his library book out loud, knowing how much Taekwoon loves for people to read to him. Taekwoon really enjoys lunchtime.

 

 

Their class has a new project to do. They have to pull a random country written on a piece of paper from a hat to do a poster on, giving them random teams of three or four. Hakyeon pulls Mexico, automatically giving Taekwoon Mexico as well. He's so glad their teacher understands, and always let's him and Hakyeon work together.  
But it's teams of three or four, not two, which means another boy and a girl also pulls Mexico.

Taekwoon isn't too happy about this, seeing that he's not particularly fond of either of them. He still isn't a people person, and others doesn't seem to like him back. He wishes it was just him and Hakyeon.

Hakyeon greets their project buddies with a smile, of course. Taekwoon wonders if his cheeks ever hurts from smiling all of the time.

He lets his friend do the talking. These days, Taekwoon can actually talk better than before, but it's still hard for him to make the words come out. His doctor said he was "selectively mute". Hakyeon said he was just a little shy.

They arrange to meet at Hakyeon's house on Saturday to work on the poster, so Taekwoon stays the night on Friday. He spends most of the time on Hakyeon's parents' laptop, doing his part of the poster, reading about Mexico and writing down facts. He nearly has the entire Wikipedia article copied. Hakyeon gently tells him to just pick around five or six facts when he sees Taekwoon's paper, which is hard to do when you find everything interesting.

Their project buddies, Hakyeon tells him their names are Ha In and Daejun, arrive a little early, throwing Taekwoon off a bit. He hates when people are early or late, preferring they show up at their assigned time. He stays behind in Hakyeon's room while Hakyeon goes to answer the front door. He lays on his friend's bed, staring up at the ceiling and counting the tiles.

Taekwoon's at 14 when Hakyeon returns, this time with their project buddies. He sits up on the bed, staring.

"And Taekwoonie wrote down our facts we need," Hakyeon's saying, holding up Taekwoon's sheet of paper. Ha In takes it, examining it, and Daejun scoffs.

"That's too many," he says. "We only need five."

Hakyeon glances over at Taekwoon, who's still staring, no signs of any reaction. "It's okay," he says. "We can just shorten it."

They get to work on the poster then. Ha In bought poster board and glitter, Daejun crayons and markers. Hakyeon himself printed pictures, and Taekwoon did the facts.

He sits on the bed, watching for a few minutes as they work out how they're going to arrange the poster. Hakyeon hands him his fact sheet back, asking him again to please choose five facts.

Taekwoon looks through it. He feels very... lazy. His eyes skim through the paper quickly, not really seeing anything he has wrote down. The letters look foreign and the words run together. He holds it back out to Hakyeon.

Hakyeon takes it. "Okay, I will then," he says and Taekwoon nods.

"He's supposed to do something!" Daejun protests. "It's his project too."

"He wrote down facts." Hakyeon waves the paper in the air.

"And didn't even do it right."

"Shut up, Daejun," Ha In interrupts. "Leave him alone. Let's not let him mess anything else up."

"He's not messing anything up," Hakyeon argues.

Well, it is true, Taekwoon thinks. He didn't do the fact rights, so he's pretty sure he can't do anything else right. He wonders why he can't just choose five facts, why it's so hard for him, yet so easy for Hakyeon, who's writing down his chosen facts on the poster. Ha In is glueing pictures, something else Taekwoon can't do because he always uses too much glue and makes a mess. Daejun is drawing the national flower, another thing Taekwoon can't do because his grips on crayons are too strong and he ends up breaking them. He really can't do anything right, can he?

Overwhelmed, he cries out, running as fast as he can from the room.

He finds himself on the living room couch, laying underneath the cushions. He knows Hakyeon's parents doesn't mind when he does this, having to many times before. He lays still, taking deep breaths and trying to calm himself down. It's quiet down here, and he loves it.

The family dog, Wong, lays next to the couch asleep, and Taekwoon lowers his hand, letting it go through the fluffy fur gently. It feels good between his fingers.

Taekwoon doesn't know how long he lays there, but it must be a while because he hears footsteps coming down the stairs, voices talking about snacks. He looks, and it's Hakyeon and the other two.

Taekwoon has a flashback then, of a few years ago when he was having a bad day, and the frustration got to be too much for him. He ended up pushing Hakyeon down those stairs, not really realizing what he was doing. He didn't break anything, thankfully, but his mouth did bleed a lot. Hakyeon's parents were understanding (well, as understanding as parents could be to a kid that just nearly killed thier son), but his parents were embarrassed, and ashamed, and yelled at him, telling him he was gonna lose his only friend for being mean to him. It had really scared Taekwoon, because he didn't want to lose Hakyeon.

He hates that memory.

 

 

In eighth grade, Taekwoon joins the soccer team.

It happens accidentally, really. Hakyeon's dad is the new middle school soccer coach, and when Taekwoon goes over to their house one day, him and Hakyeon are in the backyard practicing. Taekwoon joined in for fun, and apparently he's pretty good at it. Hakyeon's dad nearly begs him to join, telling him he'll make sure to accomodate to Taekwoon's needs and such.

Taekwoon was really hesitant to join. He never thought of himself as a sports guy. He doesn't do well with teams, preferring to either work alone or with Hakyeon only. And sports events are usually sensory hell, with all the people and heat and noises.

But he said yes. One reason being Hakyeon, a soccer player on the team, wanted him to join, and talked and talked about how fun they would have together, and how he'd make sure to help Taekwoon when needed.

Another reason was his parents, who have been pestering him for a while now to do something other than stay at home, or at Hakyeon's house, doing nothing. They tell him he needs to go out, do things, get other friends. He wishes they'd realize he's content with doing nothing.

Taekwoon is nervous about his first game. Hakyeon helps, soothing Taekwoon with words of encouragement. It also helps that Hakyeon's father is the coach, and knows not too pressure or yell at Taekwoon like he does to the other players.

When he goes onto the field at first, a thousand worries run through his mind. What if he forgets which net is his, and accidentally scores for the other team? What if he trips flat on his face in front of everyone, and end up getting trampled by the players? What if, what if, what if.

He worries for nothing.

At first, he runs around aimlessly, forgetting everything Hakyeon's dad has taught him. He avoids the ball and other players like a plague. He meets Hakyeon's eyes a few times, and he reads the words flowing through them. _Play right, Taekwoonie. You can do it. I know you can._

So he slowly starts to actually participate, and before he knows it he's made the first goal of the game.

Taekwoon's in shock, not sure what to do after scoring. A few of his teammates hollers, clapping him on the back. Hakyeon gives him a quick hug, whispering, "Great job!"

After that, he's pumped up. Adrenaline running through his veins and he feels invincible, untouchable, strong. No one can top him and nothing can stop him. He ends up scoring two more goals within five minutes.

On the second goal, he screams, jumping and down, pointing his finger at the opposing team players, relishing the looks on their faces as they realize what they're up against. He feels like the lion he was in kindergarten, ferocious and unstoppable.

His team wins, Taekwoon making nearly every goal. They all gather around him, cheering and giving him high fives. Normally, Taekwoon would find all the attention overwhelming but he's loving it tonight. He jumps around enthusiastically, the adrenaline still there. Hakyeon wraps his arms around him from behind to calm him down, laughing.

"See! I told you you'd do great!" Hakyeon says.

Taekwoon squeals happily in response.

 

 

Taekwoon's parents are overjoyed at his great playing, taking him and Hakyeon out to dinner. Taekwoon feels accomplished, so glad to have finally made his parents proud. Hakyeon recounts the entire game in detail, Taekwoon nodding at his favorite parts. His parents are beaming, and it feels so different, but extremely nice.

 

 

Taekwoon thought school would get a bit better after joining the soccer team. People usually worships athletes. But his treatment stays the same, everyone only loving him when he was on the field, scoring goals. He might even say it's been getting worse. His teammates, besides Hakyeon, of course, ignores him in the hallways. He gets paper balls thrown at his head in class. Someone writes insults on his locker with a Sharpie.

And apparently, a few people are angry at Taekwoon for being able to make the soccer team when they weren't.

He overhears someone telling Hakyeon, "Your dad's an idiot for letting a retard onto the team." It really hurts Taekwoon, the word he's heard so many times going through him like an icy knife. Hakyeon gives the person a piece of his mind, but it doesn't really help. Words can do a lot to a person.

Hakyeon holds Taekwoon as he cries. He rarely does cry anymore, but sometimes he just can't help it. Hakyeon soothes him, whispering comforting words into his ears. They're just jealous, don't listen to them, you're fine just the way you are.

Taekwoon wishes he can believe it.

 

 

High school comes. Taekwoon is still playing soccer, because he likes it, and kids are still mean. He has Hakyeon to protect him, though, making sure Taekwoon is safe. He doesn't know what he would do without Hakyeon.

Halfway through junior year he finds out, though. Hakyeon has to move, something that hasn't happened since kindergarten. It's just one city over, but it's enough for him to have to move schools. Taekwoon is silent when he tells him the news.

"But we can still see each other," Hakyeon promises. "I'll just have to take the bus here to get you."

Taekwoon nods. He's more worried about something else, though. "School," he says. "What do I do?"

Hakyeon looks at him sadly, taking his friend's hand. "I don't know. You have to be brave, and not let people bother you. If it gets too bad, let a teacher know."  
Taekwoon nods again. He can do it. He can handle school with Hakyeon. If Hakyeon thinks he can, then he must.

"Be brave," Hakyeon repeats. "And strong. Like... a lion," he grins. "Remember that? How you thought you were a lion up until like, second grade? My Taekwoonie's so cute." He runs his fingers through Taekwoon's hair, messing it up.

Taekwoon does remember. He remembers the onesie he wore every single day. He remembers roaring and growling at people. He remembers walking around on all fours, and drinking water from a bowl on the floor. Back then, it made perfect sense to him. Now that he's older, though, it's seem pretty foolish.

It's quiet for a few moments, the two of them laying in Hakyeon's bed, turned towards each other, Hakyeon drawing patterns on Taekwoon's cheek with his finger. It feels nice, and he hums with pleasure. Hakyeon giggles at the noise.

"You're not a lion," he whispers. "You're a cat. It sounds like you're purring."

 

 

Hakyeon leaves school officially after winter break.

Taekwoon immediately notices, because nearly everyone targets him. He hadn't realized how much Hakyeon did for him until he left, because now that he's gone it's all a thousand times worse.

It's hard to focus in class with people poking and whispering things at him. It's hard for him to eat lunch, because nearly every table in the cafeteria is filled, and whenever he finds an empty seat he's rejected. It's even hard for him to go to soccer practice, his own teammates tripping him and knocking into him purposely.

Even the adults are after him, because in class, the teacher calls him out for being distracted. At lunch, the cafeteria monitor yells at him for not being in a seat. During practice, his coach lectures him for being so clumsy and falling around the field. It's not my fault, he thinks, but words won't come out. He just stands there like a deer in headlights.

After a few weeks, his grades have declined. His parents yell at him, and doesn't listen when he tries to explain that he can't focus when everyone's out to get him, saying, "You can't let others affect you! These are your grades!" He takes his hands and covers his ears, closing his eyes, trying to block them out. It makes them even angrier, and he's sent to his room.

His soccer team loses four games in a row, and he's the blame for it, being their star player and all. Coach tells him that if he can't play right, there's no need for him to even be on the team. Taekwoon is half sad to be kicked off, and half relieved because lately, it's just been too much stress.

He's glad when Hakyeon calls him, telling him about his free weekend. They plan for him to pick Taekwoon up from the bus station on Friday, then ride back together to Hakyeon's new house.

The bus ride is overwhelming. There's crying babies and people talking and the sound of the bus rattling. He finds himself a bit jerky, but Hakyeon helps, holding his hand and pointing at interesting things they see out the window. He talks Taekwoon's ears off, having so much to say after weeks of not seeing each other. Even Taekwoon feels like talking, but has to wait until they're alone.

 

 

Hakyeon's new house is twice as big as his old one. Taekwoon likes it, wandering around curiously behind Hakyeon as he gives him a tour. His room is a decent size, as well. Taekwoon makes himself at home on Hakyeon's bed.

Hakyeon lays on the top of him, arms wrapped around him, head on Taekwoon's chest. He knows Taekwoon likes this, loves the feeling of Hakyeon's body pressing down on him. It's calming.

After a few minutes of silence, Hakyeon says, "Your mother's text me everything that's happened."

Taekwoon doesn't answer. He's not surprised, since he mother has done it before. Text or call Hakyeon, telling him everything that Taekwoon has done, like when he had meltdowns. She did it to embarrass her son, but it never works, because Hakyeon understands Taekwoon and Taekwoon knows he'd never judge him.

Hakyeon gets up, sliding next to Taekwoon and propping himself up with his elbow. "She told me you're failing. And that you were kicked off the soccer team."

Taekwoon nods. "It's not my fault."

"I know, Taekwoonie."

"It's hard to focus."

"I know," Hakyeon repeats. He gently pets Taekwoon's hair. "I'm sorry."

 

 

They just lay around mostly for the rest of the day. They order pizza, mushroom and pepperoni for Hakyeon, plain cheese for Taekwoon. He has a special way of eating pizza, peeling the cheese off first, then the sauce off, eating the bread last. Except the crust, he gives that to Hakyeon.

On Saturday, they take a walk. It's a pointless one, Hakyeon telling Taekwoon that if he sees anything interesting he wants to do, to let him know.

They stop for every single dog they see, Taekwoon unable to resist. He pets and plays with it, as Hakyeon asks the owner its' name, knowing Taekwoon is curious but too shy to ask. It makes him sad when the owner has to go. If he could, he'd play with it all day. He loves animals, but his parents have never allowed pets.

They come across a park, and they rest there for a moment on the swings. Taekwoon pushes himself, going higher and higher in the air until Hakyeon playfully fusses at him, claiming he's gonna have a heart attack if he doesn't slow down. Taekwoon laughs.

There's also an ice cream vendor set up. Hakyeon offers to buy Taekwoon a cone, and Taekwoon certainly doesn't decline.

He waits on the man to dip his ice cream, diving into it immediately after it's in his hands. He chose strawberry, his favorite flavor, and what's even better is that it's the kind of ice cream with the little chucks of the fruit in it. He pauses from his treat for a moment, looking up to show Hakyeon this, when he realizes the other isn't next to him.

He turns around. Not there.

Again. Not there.

Taekwoon is starting to feel a bit panicky. He's in a strange park, in a strange city, and Hakyeon is nowhere to be seen. He backs away from the ice cream vendor and the people crowding around it, giving himself some space.

"Hakyeonnie..." he calls lowly. He's frozen in place, unable to move as fear and anxiety takes over him. He remembers once, he got lost in the mall his mother took him to shop at. A man had helped him find her. But Taekwoon was an eight year old little boy then. He's now an (almost) six foot tall sixteen year old, no one would even think about asking him if he's lost. And there's no way he can ask for help in this state.

Taekwoon whimpers, feeling his eyes watering up. He looks around him, hoping to spot Hakyeon. Maybe he had missed him?

Apparently, he had, because he sees Hakyeon a few yards away, talking to someone next to the water fountain. First, Taekwoon is relieved to have found him, and that he wasn't lost. Then it turned it anger towards Hakyeon, who knows better than to just leave him unattended, especially without letting him know first. And last, he feels anger towards _himself_. He should be able to handle a few minutes alone, he's sixteen, for God's sake.

He just stands there, watching Hakyeon and the other boy talk. Then, they're heading towards Taekwoon's way. Hakyeon must've remembered he had him with him.

"Taekwoonie," Hakyeon says, as they approach him, giving him a smile. "I'm sorry. But I saw Jaehwan here, and had to go say hello!"

Jaehwan? Taekwoon looks at the boy, who grins at him.

"I'm Jaehwan, nice to meet you," he says, holding a hand out.

Hakyeon swats it away. "I told you, he doesn't do hand shakes!" he sighs. "Sorry, Jaehwan's an idiot."

Jaehwan pouts as Hakyeon laughs. Taekwoon isn't enjoying this very much. He looks over at Hakyeon, displeased.

Hakyeon straightens up, clearing his throat. "Jaehwan is in my music class. He's kinda been my tour guide while I've been here." Taekwoon doesn't miss the fond look his friend gives to Jaehwan. "And Jaehwan, Taekwoonie is my best friend since kindergarten."

Jaehwan nods. "Hakyeon talks about you a lot," he tells Taekwoon. "It's great to meet you."

Taekwoon doesn't answer, staring down at the ground. He doesn't hear the few last words they exchange before Jaehwan says bye, going on his way.

"I'm sorry, Taekwoonie," Hakyeon says once he's gone, taking Taekwoon's hand into his. "I saw Jaehwan and got excited. I didn't mean to leave you. Are you okay?"

Taekwoon doesn't answer again, and Hakyeon doesn't pressure him to, instead suggesting they go back to his house.

 

 

Taekwoon tries. He tries to hold it in, all the emotions he's feeling. Anger, frustration, hurt, betrayed, something else he can't identify. But he can't, and soon it's all overflowing out of him, in tears and little cries of pain. Hakyeon holds him, like always, doing his best to comfort his friend, rocking him back and forth gently like a baby. Taekwoon accepts it for a moment, before lashing out, pushing Hakyeon away. Hakyeon makes no effort to stop him, knowing that Taekwoon just needs his space.

Taekwoon paces around the room, shaking his hands and taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself down on his own. He lays on the bed, face burried into a pillow, screaming into it. He kicks his feet a few times, trying to get rid of every ounce of emotion he has.

He feels Hakyeon sit on the bed next time him, gently pulling the pillow away. "You're gonna suffocate yourself," he says. Taekwoon doesn't really care at the moment.

"I'll never do that again, Taekwoonie," Hakyeon says, hand rubbing his friend's back soothingly. "I'm sorry. Next time, I'll be sure to bring you with me or let you know where I'm going."

Taekwoon isn't even sure if that's why he's melting down right now. Maybe it has something to do with the fact it felt like Hakyeon had abandoned him for someone else at that moment. That he has another friend, someone other than Taekwoon. That he gave said friend such a fond look, the same kind of look he used to only give to Taekwoon.

Maybe that unidentified emotion is jealousy.

Why would he be jealous? He rarely gets jealous. And it's silly, because Hakyeon is his best friend and has been for over ten years. He isn't going anywhere... Was he?

He remembers once when he was little, overhearing a phone call his mother was having with a friend. She was crying, saying how she wishes her son, Taekwoon, had been born normal. He remembers feeling very weird about that conversation. He felt normal. Was he not?

He was little then, but as he got up older he realized he was, in fact, not normal like his mother had said.

What if Hakyeon feels like that? Wishes he had a normal friend? One that can go to the cinema with him without having to leave halfway through the movie because it got too loud for him? One that can actually keep a conversation properly, without stuttering or choking on his words? One that doesn't have to be under supervision 24/7, because being alone made him feel anxious? Taekwoon thinks about Hakyeon's friend he met, Jaehwan. How normal acting he was. How he can probably give Hakyeon those things, but Taekwoon can't.

Taekwoon's crying out of sadness now, rather than anger. He allows Hakyeon to take him back into his arms, feeling disgusted with himself. If he was normal, Hakyeon wouldn't have to be doing this, comforting his friend that's having a crying fit.

But he's not normal.

 

 

Sunday is a slow, lazy day. Taekwoon lays in Hakyeon's bed, a little quieter than usual. He had a rough Saturday after leaving the park, but he still enjoyed his time here. He dreads going back to his parents, going back to school. He wishes he could live with Hakyeon, and go to his school so he wouldn't have to worry about people going after him. Hakyeon would protect him.

Their bus is at four, and it's two already. They're in Hakyeon's backyard, kicking a soccer ball back and forth to each other. Hakyeon is unusually quiet, deep in thought. Taekwoon tries to fill the silence by singing his favorite songs. He's been told several times that his singing is pretty good, but he can't really tell.

"Taekwoon," Hakyeon interrupts, stopping the ball with his foot. Taekwoon hushes, knowing whatever Hakyeon has to say, it must be serious, because that's when he calls him Taekwoon instead of Taekwoonie.

They sit on the ground, Taekwoon plucking blades of grass. Hakyeon starts.

"You're my best friend," he says, and Taekwoon nods, agreeing with him. "And best friends stick together no matter what. And accept each other for who they are, right?"

"Right," Taekwoon mumbles, confused at where this is going.

"I accept you for who you are," Hakyeon continues. "And I wouldn't choose to change you. If you did change, you wouldn't be my Taekwoonie that I know and love."

Taekwoon doesn't know how to answer to that. He thinks back to the day before, all the doubts he had about Hakyeon being his friend. They seem silly now, because Hakyeon's words seem very sincere right now.

"So I hope you can accept me, too," he says, and Taekwoon blinks, looking over at Hakyeon, who looks a little pale and scared, something  Taekwoon isn't used to. Hakyeon's supposed to be the strong one in their friendship.

"I," he starts again, taking a breath. "Like boys." His words are quick and jumbled together at the end, and Taekwoon almost doesn't hear them.

Hakyeon... likes boys? As in gay? It takes a minute for Taekwoon to process this new piece of information. Hakyeon shifts around uncomfortably next to Taekwoon, waiting on him to respond.

Taekwoon doesn't really know how to, besides saying, "Okay."

"Okay??" Hakyeon repeats. "Is that it? It's okay? You don't find it gross or anything, do you?"

Taekwoon thinks it over. He's never really thought about homouality before. He thinks it might be a bit weird at first and will take him a while to get used to it. But he's not grossed out, and he's not going to stop being Hakyeon's friend because of it. "No."

Hakyeon looks relieved, taking Taekwoon's hand into his. "Thanks, Taekwoonie. You're a great best friend. But," he says, "it's a secret. No one can know. Not my parents, not your parents. Or anyone else. Okay?"

Taekwoon nods and Hakyeon smiles. "Okay. I have another secret, then."

Taekwoon thinks two secrets in one day might be a bit too overwhelming for him, but he nods more, encouraging Hakyeon.

"I have a crush on my friend," he says, and at first Taekwoon's heart jumps, then speeds up. "Jaehwan, the guy at the park."

... _Oh_.

"That's why I was so quick to go to him. Following my heart instead of my head, I guess," Hakyeon laughs. "Have you ever had a crush on someone, Taekwoonie?"

Taekwoon doesn't think so. He's never really thought about love and relationships and crushes. He's never had an attraction to girls, nor boys. He wonders if he's capable of it.

"It's the best feeling in the world," Hakyeon says. He turns a little red, clearing his throat. "Okay, enough about that," he laughs awkwardly. "Let's go eat before catching that bus."

 

 

Somehow, Taekwoon gets through the rest of high school alive. He graduates, something nearly everyone around him thought he'd never accomplish. His parents take him out to dinner with his sisters. They pester him about his plans for the future, telling him he needs to find a college as soon as possible. They compare him to his sisters, with their degrees and jobs and husbands.

Which is another thing they ask about. When is he getting married, when is he having children. All of the questions and talk are overwhelming for him, and he excuses himself to go to the bathroom, splashing cold water onto his face in order to cool down. He stares at himself in the mirror. He's not too excited to tell his parents about his real plans now that he's graduated. He's sure it's going to be a storm.

 

 

Taekwoon's plan is to not go back to school, but to travel with Hakyeon, who is going to some colleget a few hours away. They already have an apartment, all they need now is to move. Hakyeon's parents is going to help them out with money until they're officially on their feet, something Taekwoon finds extremely generous.

Hakyeon already has a decent paying part time job in a cafe set up, and he offers to help Taekwoon find a simple, small job for him, too. Taekwoon doesn't know if he can handle a job, but he doesn't refuse the offer because he doesn't want to just sit at home all day, bumming off of Hakyeon and his parents. Maybe there's something out there for him.

Hakyeon is extremely excited for their new life, constantly buzzing about it. He's also sad, as well, because now he's going to be away from Jaehwan, his now boyfriend, who won't graduate until next year.

Taekwoon is secretly glad he's not in the same year as them, and won't be going off with them, as Hakyeon said he could if he was. Taekwoon doesn't really have anything against Jaehwan. He's just too loud and slightly annoying, never shutting up. Maybe he's still a bit jealous as well, having to "share" Hakyeon with someone else. Taekwoon misses when it was just the two of them, and he's glad to get settled in their apartment together.

But he tries, for Hakyeon, who's been trying to get his best friend and boyfriend to get close over the last year or so, taking them to cafes or just hanging at his house. Taekwoon hates it, always feeling like a third wheel, and the odd one out. Hakyeon and Jaehwan can talk and laugh freely, while Taekwoon can't do much of either. But he knows Hakyeon really likes Jaehwan, and that he's still insecure about his uality, so Taekwoon makes sure to at least act like he's enjoying their get togethers. He smiles at some of Jaehwan's jokes, no matter how dumb and confusing they are. He pours Jaehwan a glass of water after they play soccer in Hakyeon's backyard. He lets Jaehwan use his earphones when he can't find his. Hakyeon beams at him whenever he does these little actions, and it feels nice to know he's happy.

Meanwhile, Taekwoon also struggles with telling his parents about his plans. Everytime he goes to tell them, he can't, the words getting hung in his throat. Him and Hakyeon have practiced, and he knows what to say, when to say it, but when it comes down to actually doing it... He can't.

So Taekwoon ends up going to Hakyeon for more help, asking him if he could tell them with him. He's thought about it plenty of times, but hesitated to ask, knowing how busy Hakyeon is these days. But his friend gladly says yes, he will help, and it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders already.

 

 

They tell Taekwoon's parents at dinner, one Hakyeon treats them to. He holds Taekwoon's hand underneath the table as they do, his thumb massaging the back of his hand soothingly. He knows how anxious Taekwoon is, how on edge he's been the last few days. His parents are silent afterwards, processing the information.

"Okay," his father finally says, nodding his head. Taekwoon is surprised, there's no way this is all he has to say.

Hakyeon must think the same way, because he hesitantly repeats, "...Okay?"

"Yeah, okay," his father confirms, looking Taekwoon in the eye. "Just don't come back."

 

 

Taekwoon thinks he's supposed to be sad at his parents basically disowning him, but he doesn't really feel anything like sadness. More like... relief, or something of that nature.

He thinks back through the years, at his parents' behavior and attitude towards him. How they've always favored his sisters over him, because they were born "normal". How they'd force him to eat foods he didn't like, foods whose textures were enough to make him vomit. How they've told him he shouldn't have been born, and that he was nothing but trouble multiple times. How they're the ones who told his teacher in kindergarten to tape him to the time out chair whenever he got uncontrollable.

"You don't need them," Hakyeon tells him, and Taekwoon agrees. He doesn't.

He stays at Hakyeon's house, something he feels bad about but Hakyeon's parents welcome him warmly. Taekwoon thinks he should have been born to someone as nice and accepting as them.

 

 

Their apartment is pretty nice, Taekwoon thinks. It's not big, but it's a good size for just the two of them. There's a kitchen and living room, a bathroom, a tiny laundry room, and a bedroom, which has a bunk bed for the two of them. Hakyeon on top, Taekwoon on bottom, because he can't do heights.

Hakyeon starts his part time job almost immediately. He writes down his cell phone and emergency services number, sticking it to the fridge with a magnet and showing Taekwoon. He also shows him how to lock the door and windows securely. He reminds him what time he'll be back, and to not worry if he's a little late. Taekwoon is nervous, to say the least, about being home alone in a new, strange apartment for a few hours. But it's not like he can make Hakyeon stay and miss his job.

Taekwoon sits on the couch, staring at the blank television, for at leat an hour. He's too scared to move, as silly as it sounds. He does, though, when he realizes his stomach is growling and he hasn't ate anything all day. So he gets up to eat a slice of pizza straight from the fridge, not really enjoying it because it's cold. He doesn't trust himself to use kitchen appliances alone, though, even if it is just a microwave.

As soon as he's finished, there's a knock on the door. Taekwoon, startled, nearly dives onto the floor. He's laying on his stomach, hands covering his head, shaking. Whoever it is knocks again. Who can it even be? They just moved here two days ago. No one knows them yet. And it can't be Hakyeon, he has a key and it's still hours away until he gets home.

Taekwoon's convinced they're intruders, and waits on them to break down the door and kill him. Or maybe it's the cops, here to take him away from some unknown crime he's done. He whimpers, tears falling.

After fifteen minutes, there's no more knocks, and nothing happens. But Taekwoon still slowly and quietly crawls on all fours to the bathroom, locking himself in. Just in case. He climbs into the bathtub, pulling the shower curtain out to hide him.

Taekwoon doesn't know how long he's in the tub before he falls asleep, exhausted from everything.

More knocks wakes him up, now coming from the bathroom door. He jerks awake at the sound of them, scaring him to death.  He doesn't have time to freak out more, though, because a voice from the other side calls, "Taekwoon!"

It's Hakyeon. Saying Taekwoon feels relieved would be a total understatement. He gets out the tub quickly, opening the door.

Hakyeon looks annoyed at him. "What are you doing?"

Taekwoon blinks.

"You really scared me!" Hakyeon sighs, wrapping an arm around Taekwoon shoulder, leading him to the living room. "Are you okay?"

Taekwoon nods. He is now, anyway, since Hakyeon is with him. "Someone knocked on the door."

"Mmm," Hakyeon responds, holding up a slip of paper. "It was the cable guys. I forgot their appointment was today. I'm sorry, Taekwoonie. It must've freaked you out." He ruffles Taekwoon's hair, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. "It's all okay."

Taekwoon feels silly now. He thinks back on how he dived onto the floor, embarrassed. Once again, he had overthought and overreacted on things that weren't worth it.

 

 

A few weeks after they get settled in, Hakyeon finds Taekwoon his own job.

It's the library that's across the street from the cafe Hakyeon works at. They need an extra person to help sort the books and other tasks. It's a simple, quiet job that Hakyeon is enthusiastic about, telling Taekwoon it's perfect for him. It does seem like one of the best jobs he can get for someone like him. The only thing is the social interaction, but that comes with any job.

Hakyeon goes with Taekwoon to meet the head librarian, the one mentioned the job to Hakyeon at the cafe. She's nice, and shows Taekwoon what he would do, how he should sort the books and where he should put each genre at. She tells him he wouldn't have to deal with other people too much, that that's her job.

It's easy enough, and he thinks about how he's doing basically nothing at the moment but living off of Hakyeon and his parents. He says yes.

And now he has a job.

 

 

It goes really well, surprisingly. Taekwoon is good at sorting the books, putting them back in their places on the shelves. He memorizes the different genre sections very quickly, and even where some particular books go, not even having to look at the author name. He shows people where the book or genre they're looking for is at, because it's easy and requires no words. Soon enough, he's working the counter a little bit at a time, as well, checking people and their books out.

It's interesting for him to see what kind of books people get. Sometimes, he lingers a bit too much, examining the person and the book, trying too see if they "match". Sometimes, he gets an old man with a few Nicholas Sparks books, or a six year old checking out one on the casualties of war. It's odd to see people read things that aren't meant for them, but nice at the same time, for some reason.

The head librarian brags about Taekwoon to Hakyeon everytime shes goes to the cafe, or whenever Hakyeon arrives at the library to take Taekwoon home. She says he's obedient, diligent, and easy to get along with. Hakyeon is proud of Taekwoon and how well he's doing, and Taekwoon has to admit... He's proud of himself, too.

 

 

Hakyeon goes to school now, so he's busier than ever. Taekwoon feels bad for him, having to juggle school, work, and Taekwoon himself. He also has Jaehwan, who he struggles to call every night like he's supposed to because he's exhausted by the time he gets a chance too. Hakyeon tells him he misses Jaehwan, and living with his parents, where he had no big responsibilities. Taekwoon has to disagree. He doesn't miss his old life. He prefers it here, with just him and Hakyeon and his library job that he's took a strong liking to. The only thing he wishes to change is for Hakyeon to become a little less stressed.

So he tries to help a bit. First, he tells Hakyeon that he can walk home from the library instead of being picked up. Hakyeon is extremely hesitant, despite it being just a few blocks away. He repeatedly asks Taekwoon if he's sure, if he'll be okay. Taekwoon assures him that he will be, eventhough he doesn't know himself.

They decide to test it out one day before going with it officially. Taekwoon does get a bit jittery, and Hakyeon calls three times during the fifteen minute walk to ask him if he's okay. But eventually, he makes it back to their apartment safe and sound. Hakyeon hugs him when he walks in, squeezing him uncomfortably tight.

"You did it, Taekwoonie!" he says, beaming at the other.

So from then on, Taekwoon walks home from the library.

 

 

Next, while Hakyeon is at school, he starts on chores. He washes the few dishes they have successfully, only getting a small amount of soapy water onto the floor. He tries to vaccuum, but as soon as the roaring starts he jerks the plug from the wall, unable to handle the noise. So he decides to sweep instead, though the way he holds a broom is awkward and he's not exactly sure if he's doing it right.

He does other little things, like making the bed and wiping down the kitchen counter. Then he makes dinner.

Or something like dinner. It's really just a couple of bowls of Easy Mac he sticks into the microwave. It's the first time he's using it without Hakyeon there at home with him, so he's anxious, but it ends up going all right.

Taekwoon's sitting at the table eating his bowl when Hakyeon walks in. He looks surprised at the sight of it.

Taekwoon points at Hakyeon's own bowl. "Eat," he says.

Hakyeon grins, sitting down. "You made this by yourself?" he asks.

Taekwoon nods and Hakyeon leans over to run a hand through his hair. "Good job, Taekwoonie," he says. "Now you can make me something to eat everyday!"

So that's what Taekwoon does.

 

 

Taekwoon thinks back on how all through his life, everyone told him he needed to try new things, and that they were usually nowhere as bad as they were in his head. Taekwoon, a bit begrudgingly, admits that on some of those things, they were right. And when he gets used to doing them, he has no idea why he was afraid of them before.

Like walking himself home. He's not as nervous anymore, and Hakyeon doesn't have to call him a million times to check up on him. He has the number of steps memorized, and it helps, counting each of them he takes. The microwave is a piece of cake now, and he loves microwaving things. Sometimes, he sticks a glass of water in there just to be doing it. He does little things at work, like actually telling people which aisle a book is on instead of just pointing, or making (very) small talk with the head librarian. He makes an effort to smile at people more, in order to look more friendly.

It's small things to others, but huge for him.


	2. Chapter 2

Two years go by quickly, more so than Taekwoon thought they would. He still has his library job, and Hakyeon still goes to school, and both are doing fine.

Until one night, Taekwoon walks into their room after taking a shower to find a sniffly Hakyeon, wiping at his eyes with a tissue. It makes Taekwoon pause for a moment, he isn't used to seeing Hakyeon cry.

"What's wrong?" he asks, approaching his friend slowly and carefully.

Hakyeon jumps a little, surprised, but sighs when he sees it's just Taekwoon. "Uh," he says, sniffling again, "Jaehwan and I broke up."

Oh. Taekwoon doesn't really know how to react to this news. Personally, he's surprised they lasted the two years him and Hakyeon have been here. Even Taekwoon could see that from the beginning the distance was making them... distant.

But Hakyeon is still sad, and that night he crawls into Taekwoon's bed, making it squished with the two of them sharing it together. He cries a bit more, and Taekwoon wraps his arms around him awkwardly. He's used to Hakyeon comforting him, not the other way around. But he tries his best, because he hates to see his friend so upset.

Taekwoon gets up earlier than usual the next morning, to make breakfast. He sticks a few frozen pancakes into the microwave, and pours orange juice. He uses blueberries to draw out a smiley face on Hakyeon's pancake, and syrup as the hair. That part doesn't exactly turn out right, the syrup puddling around the pancake instead. But Taekwoon is satisfied with it, and the smile Hakyeon gives him when he sees it makes him happy.

 

 

Hakyeon starts to go out after his break up, to parties and clubs and other social things. It never occurred to Taekwoon until now, that during the two years they've been here, not once has Hakyeon even went out done anything without him. He talked about people at his school, and even has a few friends there, but he was always with Taekwoon. So Taekwoon is glad he's getting out a bit now, and is hanging with other people besides him. He doesn't want Hakyeon to commit himself only to him.

But then, Hakyeon starts to come home later and later. Taekwoon lays in bed, worrying. He hates to text him because he doesn't want to seem as if he doesn't want Hakyeon to go out, or try to rush him home. But it's two in the morning, and Taekwoon is incredibly tired, but he can't go to sleep without someone there with him, and without knowing Hakyeon is safe and sound.

He doesn't walk in until three thirty. He doesn't say anthing to Taekwoon as he dresses into sleeping clothes, not noticing Taekwoon is still awake and watching him.

Hakyeon also starts to bring friends to the apartment. He asks for Taekwoon's permission first, and Taekwoon says yes. What else is he supposed to say, really. He can't tell Hakyeon his friends aren't allowed here, when it's mostly Hakyeon's place anyway.

But he hates when they come. There's two or three boys and a girl in Hakyeon's circle of friends, and they're loud, the sound of their chatter and laughter piercing through Taekwoon's ears painfully. He's in the bedroom, door shut and locked, laying on his bed with a pillow over his head. He had originally decided to meet his friends, and hang out with them, but as soon as they knocked on the door anxiety took over him and he ran into the room to hide instead. Hakyeon hadn't come after him, probably knowing he needs his space.

They had asked about him after they'd been there for a few minutes, wondering where he was. Hakyeon told them he was in his room, and that he was just "super shy".

Taekwoon wonders if they know. That's he not just super shy, but also super anxious and super shaky and super different. Has Hakyeon told them? If so, what did they say? What was their reaction? What did they think about him? A billion thoughts runs through his mind.

He can hear them ordering chicken. He's starving, having not eaten since early morning. Chicken sounds so good right now, but he can't eat peacefully around other people and he's not about to go out there. So, he texts Hakyeon.

_I want chicken_

_Okay, I'll take you some :)_

_Thank you~ Hakyeonnie._

_^^_

Taekwoon feels a lot better now. But he hears one of the guys in the living room ask Hakyeon, "Who are you texting?"

He laughs when Hakyeon answers, "Taekwoon."

"Why doesn't he just come in here?" the guy asks.

"Because he's shy and doesn't like people," Hakyeon replies. "I told you."

Taekwoon doesn't hear what the guy, or anyone else, says next. For some reason, he feels tiny and vulnerable. He curls into a ball, hugging his knees to his chest and closing his eyes. The guy's malicious sounding laugh replays over and over in his mind.

 

 

Taekwoon meets Hakyeon's friends accidentally.

He's home alone, taking a day off from the library. There's a knock on the door, which he expects because before he headed off to work Hakyeon had told him a plumber should be coming to take a look at the leaking pipe underneath the kitchen sink. Taekwoon takes a deep breath before answering.

 

There's no plumber, but two guys instead. They look to be about his age. Taekwoon blinks with surprise, taking a few steps back.

"Hey," the taller of the two speaks, and Taekwoon instantly recognizes his voice as Hakyeon's friend, the one that had (indirectly) laughed at him. He freezes, his heart pounding and his palms sweaty. "Is Hakyeon here?"

Taekwoon doesn't answer. He can't. He would shut the door in their face, but these are Hakyeon's friends, and he hates to be rude to them.

"Hello?" the other one says, looking slightly annoyed. He repeats the question. "Is Hakyeon here? If he's not, we'll just go."

Just shake your head no, Taekwoon. Stop wasting their time. But he can't, and he's scared, and feels tears in his eyes.

"Are you stupid?" the tall guy asks, and his words slices through Taekwoon, cold and hard. "What is your problem?"

"Let's just go," the other one says, giving Taekwoon a not so nice look.

Taekwoon sinks onto the floor after they leave, his back against the door. He's full on crying now, his sobs coming out like little hiccups. He's hot, shaking, and feels nauseous. It's the first time he's felt like this in a while.

He wonders why Hakyeon hangs out with those people. They seem like assholes, and Hakyeon's never been one to tolerate assholes.

Taekwoon is curled up on the cool bathroom floor when Hakyeon comes home. Taekwoon had crawled there from his spot in front the door after he was calmed down a bit, and has stayed there since. He hadn't bothered to make dinner, and didn't answer the door when the plumber came. Hakyeon calls his name, but he doesn't answer.

Hakyeon sits down next him when he founds him, hand going to his forehead, checking for a fever, probably. "Are you okay, Taekwoonie? What's wrong?"

Taekwoon removes his friend's hand off of him in response.

Hakyeon thinks for a minute. "Did the plumber come?" he asks.

Taekwoon shakes his head, then nods.

"I'm getting mixed signals here," Hakyeon chuckles, taking Taekwoon's hand into his. "What's wrong?" he repeats. "Did something happen?"

Taekwoon shakes his head again. A bit too furiously, his bangs bouncing. Once he starts, he can't seem to stop, shutting his eyes because keeping them open is making him dizzy, and he hears Hakyeon trying to get him stop but he _cannot_. He pushes Hakyeon off, brings his hands to ears to cover them, and screams.

It's been a long, long time since Taekwoon's screamed. It's hoarse and broken and it doesn't satisfy him, so he does it again. And again and again, even after Hakyeon's wraps his arms around him, trying to calm him. It feels like he screams for hours, when really it's less than a minute or so. His face is wet when he stops, unaware he had started to cry. He gasps, trying to get his breathing back to normal.

"Taekwoonie, it's okay." Hakyeon pets his hair softly, and like always, it soothes him.

 

 

Hakyeon is angry when he finds out what really happened. He promises Taekwoon he's gonna cut off all contact with the guys, and Taekwoon's not sure how to feel about it. On one hand, he's glad because that means he doesn't have to worry about ever dealing with them again. On the other, while they are , there has to be a reason why Hakyeon chose to hang out with them in the first place, and he doesn't want him to lose his friends.

So, Taekwoon asks why. Why he's friends with those type of people.

Hakyeon blushes a little. "Well, they're pretty nice to me. And funny," he answers. "But I think the real reason is because I had a little crush on one of them. The tall guy." He pauses. "But not anymore. I'm done."

Taekwoon thinks it over a little before answering. "But he's ugly."

Hakyeon laughs so hard he gets tears in his eyes. Taekwoon doesn't know what's so funny about it, but he smiles a little too, always happy to make Hakyeon laugh.

 

 

Hakyeon keeps his two other friends, who are a lot nicer to Taekwoon when he meets them. The girl has a nice, quite voice and Taekwoon likes to listen to it as she talks. The guy, on the other hand, is a bit too talkative, but kind. They both are glad the other two are gone, and agree on them being when they find out how rude they were to Taekwoon.

What makes it worse, is that after meeting Hakyeon's friends, is that they guys knew. They knew how Taekwoon is. Hakyeon had told them all, told them he's disabled and needs patience. It upsets Taekwoon a little to know that they knew, yet acted like that towards him. He's glad his question from earlier got answered, though.

Hakyeon's friends also tell him that Hakyeon talks about him constantly, and has told them a lot about him. They say that Hakyeon is always worrying about him throughout the school day, and always brags about the dinners Taekwoon makes him the night before.

Hakyeon blushes. Taekwoon thinks it adorable.

 

 

It hits Taekwoon randomly one day.

He's sitting on the couch, watching Spongebob and eating a bowl of cereal. It's when Spongebob asks Patrick what he does when he's gone, and Patrick answers he just waits for him to get back. Taekwoon smiles at it, because it reminds him of himself and Hakyeon. He rewinds, deciding to show it to his friend.

"Hakyeonnie..." he calls out. "Come here."

He eats a few more spoonful of cereal as he waits for Hakyeon, but he never comes. Taekwoon gets up, deciding to go looking for him himself.

Hakyeon's deep in sleep. Taekwoon stands on his tippy toes in order to see over him on the top bunk properly. He's snoring slightly, and his hair is messy. There's a wet spot on his pillow from drooling, and Taekwoon thinks he looks a lot different than the "cool" person he is when he's awake. But, he still looks kinda handsome. Even when snoring and drooling.

Taekwoon doesn't like heights and the top bunk, but he can't resist, climbing up the latter and trying to position himself next to Hakyeon, who wakes up.

He slides over sleepily to make room for Taekwoon, who finally gets comfortable. "Taekwoonie," he mumbles, eyes closing as he falls back to sleep almost immediately. Taekwoon blows air into his face to try to wake him back up, but fails, and decides to let him rest.

Hakyeon has his arms wrapped around him, and he's warm and soft. Taekwoon lays his head on his chest, taking in his scent. He smells like clean linen, and Taekwoon loves it. He loves everything about Hakyeon.

And that's when it hits him.

He _loves_ Hakyeon.

 

 

Taekwoon's never been in love. He's never had a crush. He's never kissed, or had . When his eldest sister had gotten married, his parents had said, "Poor Taekwoon. He'll never get married." And he had believed them, had thought he wasn't capable of things like that and thought no one would ever want to love him. He had gotten used to the idea that he was gonna be alone forever in that sense.

At the same time, though, the idea of it has never appealed to him. He didn't think he would like dating or marriage, and the thought of disgusted him. He felt icky just sitting in Ed during high school, or watching some couple with over the top PDA in the grocery store. Even cuddling with someone seemed gross.

But then... he thinks about Hakyeon. He holds Hakyeon's hand without any hesitation, and loves the feeling of their fingers intertwined. He cuddles with Hakyeon all the time, on the couch while watching television or in bed when Taekwoon has a nightmare and can't get back to sleep. He even allows Hakyeon to kiss him at times, just a peck on the cheek or head when he has to leave for school. The thought of still creeps him out, though, but he thinks maybe he could endure it if Hakyeon wanted it.

Taekwoon turns tomato red at the thought. He looks around the library to see if anyone's around him. An old woman catches his eyes and smiles. He quickly looks down, embarrassed.

Then he remembers that people can't see what he's thinking.

 

 

Taekwoon is torn. He's always read in books and seen in movies how having a crush is the best and worst thing ever, and he never really understood it. But now he does. Having a crush... literally crushes you. It suffocates you and clouds your mind and consumes every minute of your life. Taekwoon hates it.

He starts to become self conscious. He doesn't want Hakyeon to know he loves him like that, because he's pretty sure Hakyeon doesn't love him back. Not in the same way. He pushes Hakyeon's hugs away, and wipes his kisses off his cheek. Hakyeon thinks nothing of it, assuming that Taekwoon just needs space for the time being.

Then there's a lightning storm, and the electricity goes out. Taekwoon's in the kitchen putting leftovers from dinner away when it happens. He cries out in surprise, and Hakyeon calls his name, telling him he's coming. Taekwoon feels the darkness in front of himself blindly, until a familiar hand grabs his.

"It's okay," Hakyeon says. He uses his cell phone as a flash light, leading the two of them to the couch.

Each time it thunders or lightnings, Taekwoon whimpers, pressing himself against Hakyeon, who hums lowly in order to calm him friend. It feels nice to do this again, being in Hakyeon's arms after avoiding him for a while. Taekwoon has his face burried into Hakyeon's shoulder, and he can smell the same clean linen scent.

Taekwoon remembers when he was younger, and went through a phase where he sniffed people. He wasn't trying to be rude, he was genuinely curious about what people smelled like, and loved the smell of different scents. Unfortunately, it led to a lot of misunderstandings. Sniffing people was not socially acceptable, and embarrassed his parents.

But when he had first sniffed Hakyeon, he hadn't gave him a weird and offended look like everyone else did. He had smiled, and asked him what he smelled like. Taekwoon didn't know the word for it, and had said, "Freshness." Now that he's older, he knows it's clean linen. Hakyeon's scent hasn't changed a bit, and it comforts him.

 

 

Months go by. Taekwoon still loves Hakyeon. Hakyeon still doesn't know.

 

 

It might sound strange, but the grocery store is one of Taekwoon's favorite places to go. Maybe he likes the fact that he's surrounded by food, or that they're buying food to take home with them. Or maybe it's the delicious smells that comes from the in store bakery. Whatever it is, Taekwoon likes the grocery store, and it puts him in a good mood when him and Hakyeon go.

He follows behind Hakyeon, pointing out things they need when Hakyeon forgets to grab it and keeping up with how much they're spending. Hakyeon takes grocery shopping seriously, and concentrates on it hard.

There's free samples of a red velvet cake at the bakery, and Taekwoon eats two of them. Hakyeon, seeing how much he loves it, gives him his piece. It makes Taekwoon indescribably happy.

"Hakyeonhakyeonhakyeon," he says, tugging on Hakyeon's arm lightly as Hakyeon examines a few loaves of bread. Hakyeon looks surprised at this sudden behavior.

"What?" he asks, curiously. Taekwoon doesn't answer.

"Hakyeon," he says instead. "Hakyeonhakyeonhakyeon"

Hakyeon smiles as he puts the bread loaf in their basket. "Taekwoontaekwoontaekwoon," he plays along.

They go back and forth at each other like that for the rest of the shopping trip. And the ride home. And while they put the groceries up. Hakyeon is the one who stops first, his throat getting sore and his mouth getting dry.

"You win," he tells Taekwoon.

Taekwoon wasn't really playing a game, but the fact that he "won" still satisfies him. "Hakyeonhakyeonhakyeon."

Hakyeon chuckles, his hand going up to Taekwoon's hair. "Do you like my name, Taekwoonie?"

Taekwoon nods slowly, feeling bold. "It's pretty," he says shyly, his face blushing. "I've always thought that."

He's shocked at himself, and Hakyeon is, too, his eyes widening slightly at Taekwoon's compliment. Taekwoon freezes for a moment before Hakyeon grins.

"Well, thank you. I like to think that everything about me is pretty." He laughs.

Hakyeon meant it as a joke, but Taekwoon thinks it's the truth. Everything about him is pretty.

 

 

Surprisingly, Taekwoon gets another friend.

It happens when the library starts hosting a "special needs young adults" support group every Friday. Taekwoon has hated the words "special needs" ever since he was a child, but he's pretty interested. He's never really thought about hanging out with other people like him, mostly because he has Hakyeon, and why would he need someone else when he already had such a great best friend?

But still. The head librarian tells him that he's welcomed to attend if he wants to, and he hesitantly writes his name on the sign up list. He reads all the names, the names of people like him, and is pretty anxious to meet them.

There's only around six people at the first meeting, including him. He keeps his eyes on the floor, not sure what the hell he's doing here. He can't do this. There's no way.

At five o'clock, on the dot, the girl to his left starts to talk. Apparently, she's the one who decided to start the group, because she was sick of feeling like she was alone and wanted to find friends that could relate to her. She explains that the group is also for venting, talking, and just hanging out when they have nothing else to do.

She then has them to tell their name. Taekwoon is up first, and he immediately gets jittery, freezing in his seat.

"It's fine," she says. "We'll just go to the next person."

He's relieved she doesn't make him speak, and that there's another person, a girl, that can't say theirs either. Her eyes are wide and her hair looks so soft and silky

Taekwoon has to fight the urge to run his fingers through it.

He later learns her name is Rin Hi.

 

 

Taekwoon's a bit too shy to approach her in the group, where they're surrounded by other people. He keeps to himself, and she does the same, watching everyone else with her wide eyes, each week.

He catches her in the library, though, on a non support group day. He's putting a few books back on the autobiography shelf, and she's standing right next to him, browsing through the titles. He doesn't even realize it's her at first, too focused on his job.

They meet eyes, and she looks surprised to see him. Taekwoon's wonders what he should do. They've already made eye contact. He's in too deep.

He goes with a simple, "Hi."

Rin Hi blinks, looking confused. She takes out her phone, and starts to type. Taekwoon waits patiently.

_I don't talk._ The message says.

Taekwoon nods understandably. "Me too," he says, then pauses, realizing how dumb he looks right now, saying he doesn't talk when it's obvious he does. He blushes, looking down at the floor. "Not a lot," he mumbles, turning around and leaving the autobiography section as quick as he can, embarrassed. That's what happens when he tries to talk to people.

But Rin Hi comes back the next day, and approaches him first, this time in the Teen Fiction section. She types out something on her phone, showing him. _Taekwoon?_

Taekwoon nods, hesitant.

Rin Hi nods back.

Taekwoon nods again.

Rin Hi smiles, going to type something else. _Do you work here?_

Taekwoon... nods.

_You like to nod a lot._

Taekwoon.............. nods, suppressing a grin.

And it goes from there.

 

 

Hakyeon is thrilled that Taekwoon has a new friend, and a girl at that. He teases Taekwoon about being "in love", and it's slightly annoying, because Taekwoon doesn't like Rin Hi that way (he's too in love with Hakyeon, but he doesn't say that out loud), and he's pretty sure she doesn't like him that way, either.

Taekwoon does like to hang with her, though, and her hair is as soft as he imagined. It's sensory heaven. They sit on the couch, Taekwoon with his fingers tangled in it as she types away on her phone. He meets Hakyeon's eyes, and Hakyeon gives him a thumbs up. Taekwoon scowls.

It turns out that they also have a lot in common. They both hate silverware and the color green. They both love small animals and big numbers. Taekwoon can't believe he's met someone that shares his disgust for oddball things.

Their lives are quite different, though. Rin Hi lives at home with her parents, and is getting a degree online. She invites Taekwoon over to her house, but he declines, not quite ready to meet more new people. The best part is that she understands, and doesn't push him like so many other people would. It's amazing.

She goes over to the library a lot, and follows him around silently as he works. They sit next to each other in the support group, and text each other nearly all day.

It feels extremely nice.

 

 

But about two months after they meet, Rin Hi doesn't answers his texts one day. He finds it odd, but pushes it to the side, figuring she must be having a busy or tough day or something. There's been several times he's had to take a break from texting, too.

But then she doesn't text for the next two days either. Taekwoon starts to worry a bit. Is she okay? Did he say something offensive? He goes through the last texts they exchanged. He doesn't find anything, but he's always been bad at these kinds of things. So, he shows them to Hakyeon to see if he does.

He doesn't. "Maybe she's just busy?" he suggests. He runs a hand through Taekwoon's hair. "My Taekwoonie, who's in love. Missing his girl..." He trails off, grinning, when Taekwoon gives him a death glare.

"I'm not in love with her," he says, adding on the "with her", because if he only said he isn't in love it would be a lie.

Taekwoon doesn't see her for another two days. He's at the library in the Female Romance section when she approaches, surprising him with her sudden appearance. He stands there as she types out something, holding the phone up for him to see.

_I don't like you._

Taekwoon's heart drops. Rin Hi doesn't like him? What has he done? Or said? He thought their friendship was going well. "Why?" he asks.

Rin Hi frowns, typing again. _We're just friends._

Taekwoon's confused now. "What?"

She sighs, going back to her phone. _Your friend said you like me._

Cha Hakyeon. Taekwoon clenches his fist, upset at this piece of information. He shakes his head. "No, I don't."

Now Rin Hi looks confused. _No?_

It takes a few more exchanges to finally get it all settled. Around a week ago, Rin Hi had visited, but Taekwoon was taking a nap due to a headache, and her and Hakyeon ended up making small talk, which was when Hakyeon told her Taekwoon really liked her. Taekwoon had known about Rin Hi visiting, but wasn't aware of them having a conversation.

So, he's pretty annoyed when he walks into the apartment after work. Hakyeon is in their room, sitting on Taekwoon's bottom bunk, phone in his hand.

Taekwoon skips saying hello. "I don't like Rin Hi," he says.

Hakyeon looks up and blinks, surprised. "What?"

"Rin Hi is my friend," Taekwoon says. "I don't like her. Why did you tell her that?"

Taekwoon is surprised at the amount of words he's saying and pauses to takes some breaths. He thinks Hakyeon is too, judging by the look on his face.

"I'm sorry," he says, finally. "But I thought you did."

"No. I tell you- I told you-" Taekwoon stumbles on his words, and Hakyeon stands up, holding a hand up to pause Taekwoon.

"It was just obvious to me," he says. "How you love to play with her hair-"

"Her hair is soft."

Hakyeon grins. "That's exactly what someone in love would say," he says in an annoying singsong voice. He taps Taekwoon on the nose with a finger, and Taekwoon resists the urge to bite it off. "Taekwoonie, it's okay."

Taekwoon lets out an annoyed huff. He's starting to get upset for real now, his heart speeding up at Hakyeon's teasing. "I don't like her."

Hakyeon, sensing the tension, wraps his arm around Taekwoon's shoulder. "It's okay," he repeats. "...First loves are always the hardest to accept." He laughs.

Taekwoon jerks away from him, shoving him. Hakyeon immediately stops laughing, realizing how serious it's gotten. His expression softens up.

"I don't like her!" Taekwoon yells, for the third time. "I like-!"

He stops himself from saying it. It scares him for a moment, and he exhales.

Hakyeon looks at him curiously. "You like who?" he asks.

Taekwoon shakes his head. He feels like crying, though he's not sure why. He turns around and runs, out the bedroom and apartment completely.  
He ends up on the side street next to their apartment building, sitting down on the ground. He calms himself down for a few minutes as his phone vibrates in his pocket. He has a message from Rin Hi, and one from Hakyeon with a few missed calls. He opens Hakyeon's message first.

_Taekwoonie, I'm sorry. Where are you?_

Taekwoon thinks about ignoring him in order to make him worry. But he kind of ran out the apartment on impulse and without thinking, and once he realizes he's alone he starts to get a little panicky again. So, he begrudgingly tells him.

 

He's there within two minutes, approaching Taekwoon carefully. He sits down next to him, and they sit together in silence for a few minutes.

"I'm sorry," Hakyeon finally says. "I shouldn't have teased you."

Taekwoon nods in agreement.

"If you say you don't like Rin Hi, then I believe you," Hakyeon continues. "I keep forgetting that we're... different. What looks like to flirting to me is just friendship to you."

Taekwoon doesn't say anything.

"But, I really am curious. Who do you like?"

Taekwoon can feel his face turning red and hot. He's feeling uncomfortable again.

"I'm your best friend," Hakyeon says, a whine to his voice. "You're supposed to tell me. I've told you all of my crushes."

Taekwoon ignores him.

"And even if you don't tell me, I'll eventually guess it. You only know a handful of people."

Hakyeon continues to annoy Taekwoon for the rest of the day about it, and it doesn't stop there. It goes on throughout the week, and a week makes two weeks, then three, and so on.

Taekwoon wishes he can tell. But he can't.

 

 

Taekwoon does, however, tells Rin Hi, thinking about how Hakyeon said friends tells each other this kind of stuff. She looks indifferent when he tells her, and for a moment Taekwoon is scared, wondering what she's thinking. _He likes you too._

Taekwoon frowns, and shakes his head. Rin Hi nods in protest, typing. _I can tell._

Then, _You should tell him._

Taekwoon gives her a bewildered look. "No."

She sighs, but shrugs, not one to push anything.

But it makes Taekwoon think. Should he tell Hakyeon? What are the pros and the cons? The pros are he would have a huge weight lifted from his shoulders and Hakyeon would stop annoying him on the subject. The cons are it would possibly ruin over fifteen years of friendship, and Hakyeon would judge him. He never has before, but Taekwoon is sure he would if he found out.

Can Taekwoon just sit here, forever, and watch Hakyeon date? Talk about classmates he finds cute? Get married? Just the other day, Hakyeon told him after they stumbled upon a wedding photoshoot at the park that he was gonna be Hakyeon's best man at his future wedding. Taekwoon was flattered, but died a little inside, thinking how he shouldn't be the best man, but the groom instead. It was a silly thought

And Rin Hi's never gave him bad advice before, having a very logical and leveled head on everything. If even she says he should tell him, maybe he should...

But how? Say it out loud during dinner or while watching television together? Text it when he's sitting right next to him, or when they're at two seperate places and waits for his reaction when they're both at home again? Hire one of those blimps that flies in the air with a banner attached to it, like he sees in movies?

After much thought, Taekwoon decides to text him while he's out with Rin Hi, and Hakyeon's at school. It's very simple, just those three words. Rin Hi has to press the send button for him, and he immediately turns his phone off,  afraid. He hangs around at Rin Hi's house for as long as possible, before she makes him leave, having a doctor's appointment she has to attend to.

Hakyeon's not home yet, and Taekwoon is glad. He spends the next few hours taking a long bath, then watching cartoons. He eats three bowls of cereal before realizing it's almost dinner time. He sticks some leftovers from a few nights before in the microwave, just enough for Hakyeon. He sits at the table and waits, his head down and burried in his arms.

When he hears Hakyeon walk in, anxiety kicks in. He jumps up from the table and runs, right by Hakyeon, who's taking his shoes off in the living room, and into their bedroom. He shuts himself in the closet, sitting as far back in the corner as he can. He's shaking.

Taekwoon isn't sure how long he sits there. He's surprised Hakyeon hasn't came to talk with him yet. Maybe he's angry, or disgusted, or weirded out. Maybe he doesn't want to talk to or see Taekwoon anymore. Taekwoon is starting to regret everything. He should've never sent that text.

He's also starting to feel a bit claustrophobic being shut up in the closet. He wants to leave, but at the same time he doesn't want to face Hakyeon, and whatever else is waiting on him. He decides to endure it a little while longer.

Eventually, Taekwoon falls asleep right there in the closet.

 

 

Taekwoon wakes up in his bed. He's a bit confused at first, and it takes a minute for him to remember everything. He blinks a few times when he realizes he's supposed to be in the closet. How did he get in his bed then?

He feels a hand run through his hair suddenly and it startles him for a moment, but he recognizes the familiar touch soon enough. It's Hakyeon, and Taekwoon, who is now fully awake, notices he's not his bed alone.

"Taekwoon, are you awake?" Hakyeon whispers, and Taekwoon nods in response.

Hakyeon gives him a smile, fingers still tangled in his hair. "Taekwoonie," he speaks again, "Do you know why I thought you liked Rin Hi because you play with her hair?"

Taekwoon is confused again, but shakes his head.

"Because," Hakyeon pauses, pulling his hand away. "It's the reason why I do it to you so much."

It takes a minute for Taekwoon to process Hakyeon's words, and even after he does he's not sure if he completely understands what he's saying. Is he saying what Taekwoon thinks he's saying? That can't be it.

"Do you understand?" Hakyeon asks quietly. "I like you, too."

Taekwoon doesn't know how to respond, and he's hit with a truckload of emotions at one time. He tries to identify them but it's all too jumbled, mushing together. A million thoughts run through his mind, and he's feeling very overwhelmed. What does he do now?

"Really...?" he asks, barely getting the word out.

Hakyeon chuckles. "Of course I do, silly." He shifts around on the bed in a more comfortable position, taking Taekwoon in his arms. Taekwoon gladly accepts  him, snuggling into him. "I've liked you for a long time."

"How long?"

"For years," Hakyeon answers. "But you once told me, you didn't like love and relationships. So I was sure I didn't have a chance. Then you met Rin Hi, and I thought you had changed your opinion, but it was too late..." He trails off. "But I was wrong."

Taekwoon nods slowly, letting it sink in. "I still don't... don't like those things. Unless... it's you," he mumbles, feeling his face turn red.

Hakyeon grins. "Well, that's nice to hear," he says, giving Taekwoon a kiss on his head.

 

 

Hakyeon sits Taekwoon down and they have a long conversation on where things should go, and how they should go about it. They decide to take it a bit slow, though Taekwoon isn't sure if that's what he wants. It seems as if he's been taking it slow forever now, and he's ready for things to kick into gear.

So they're officially... together, as a couple. It's an odd but satisfying thought. Taekwoon would have never guessed he'd be in a relationship one day, and with his male best friend at that.

Which is something new he worries about. How are people gonna take them, as two males? So far, only Rin Hi officially knows about them. Hakyeon plans to tell his parents, who have known about and accepted him for a few years now, when their relationship gets to a certain point. Hakyeon's friends also accept him. Taekwoon hasn't spoke to his parents since he moved out, so he's not worried about him.

What worries him is outside people, like strangers in the grocery store or the park or in restaurants. Him and Hakyeon had already gotten plenty of odd glances before they even got together, whenever Hakyeon would rub his back to calm him down when everything became too hard to handle or when Taekwoon would play around with Hakyeon's hands, counting his fingers and poking at his palms.

He remembers at the beginning of high school, a group of guys would tease him and Hakyeon whenever Hakyeon held his hand in class, calling them not so nice names. Taekwoon, eventhough he knew the names weren't nice, didn't exactly know what they meant, and when he asked Hakyeon all he had replied was, "It's a homophobic slur." It got to where Hakyeon stopped holding his hand unless they were at his house, safe.

Now, Hakyeon is a lot more confident with it, but Taekwoon still can't help but worry. He hopes Hakyeon doesn't go back to that point, if something like that was to happen again. He remembers how terrible he felt when he would hold his hand out, only to have Hakyeon shake his head, refusing him. He doesn't want to go back to that.

 

 

Hakyeon turns out to be touchy, and intimate. He always has been, but it itensifies after they get together.

He rarely sleeps in his top bunk anymore, deciding to climb into the bottom one with Taekwoon instead. He holds Taekwoon, and presses small kisses all on his face. His forehead, cheek, nose, and even his ears, which tickles him. Taekwoon wipes all the kisses off with a hand, and Hakyeon looks offended, until Taekwoon gives him a smile.

"I like it," he assures him. He really does. He just can't handle the feeling that lingers.

So Hakyeon kisses him, over and over, every night.

It gets more intense over time. Those little kisses turn into full blown mouth to mouth kisses, which is a big step for Taekwoon. He worries about being a bad kisser, but Hakyeon tells him he's not, he's just inexperienced.

Before they try new things, Hakyeon always asks his permission first, several times, to make sure he's comfortable with it. Taekwoon usually is, curious about these things and excited to try them out. It's small things, things that Hakyeon and most people have already done, but they're huge for Taekwoon.

Like lip biting, and ear nibbling, which makes Taekwoon shiver. Soon, Hakyeon moves from his face to also his neck, pressing kisses on it, scraping his teeth along the skin, and sucking on it. His hands touch Taekwoon in different places, his chest and torso and sides. Taekwoon can't believe how good it feels, how he's missed out on it for so many years.

He's embarrassed the first time he lets out a noise. His face, already flushed, turns even redder. Hakyeon, sensing his embarrassment, stops for a moment.  "Cute," he whispers into Taekwoon's ear. "Do it some more."

So Taekwoon does, letting out little gasps whenever Hakyeon touches him the right way.

They do these things, but never have . Hakyeon hasn't even mentioned it, but Taekwoon can't help but think about it a little bit. The idea of still makes him uneasy, but he's been reading online, and a lot of people said in order to have a healthy relationship, is a must. Relationships with no always fail, they said.

Taekwoon wonders if it's true. Him and Hakyeon seem to be doing fine so far with whatever they're doing. But what if Hakyeon isn't really satisified? What if he just acts like he is for Taekwoon's sake? Taekwoon doesn't want them to fail, so he brings up the subject with Hakyeon one day, telling him he's ready.

"Are you sure?" he asks, and continues to ask for days, even after Taekwoon's told him multiple times that he is. They sit down for another long talk, Hakyeon telling him the basics (which Taekwoon's thankful for, because he has been kind of clueless), and everything else Taekwoon needs to know. He reminds Taekwoon on how it's a huge step, and asks one last time if he's really ready.

"Yes," Taekwoon answers firmly.

It starts off like the other nights, just touches and kisses and nibbling. It starts to change once Hakyeon tugs on Taekwoon's shirt to take it off. Taekwoon slides out of it, which is when the uneasiness starts to set in. He's not too confident with Hakyeon hovering over him while he's shirtless.

Hakyeon's now going lower, lower than he has before, mouth on Taekwoon's shoulder, then his chest, and his hands are settled on his hips. It feels nice, but at the same time... weird, and wrong. Taekwoon shakes it off. He's just not used to it yet, that's all it is.

Hakyeon runs a hand along his thigh, and Taekwoon forces himself to not jump. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. He tells himself this over and over, trying to believe it.

Hakyeon then brushes over his crotch, interrupting his thoughts, and it all falls apart.

Taekwoon cries out, partially because of the feeling, partially because of shock. He pushes Hakyeon off of him out of reflex, sitting up in bed. His heart is thumping widly, and it feels like it's about to burst from his chest, literally. He's shaking, as well, and his eyes feel wet. He wipes at them furiously. Hakyeon is stunned for a moment, but he collects himself, and carefully gathers Taekwoon into his arms.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry," he says, rocking a now whimpering Taekwoon. "I'm so sorry."

Taekwoon is embarrassed and humiliated. He's a failure, he thinks. He can't do anything right. He can't handle this, and his relationship is going to crash because of it. Hakyeon deserves someone else that can give him what he wants. He always has. Taekwoon has never been as good as a friend like Hakyeon has, always been incapable of it. He's not good enough for Hakyeon. He also wasn't good enough for his parents. Or his sisters. Or his classmates, his teachers, doctors, therapists. Anyone.

Taekwoon let's out a shaky breath, tightening his grip on Hakyeon, who kisses him on the top of his head in return. He pets Taekwoon, gently and soothingly. "I'm sorry," he whispers again.

Taekwoon is, too.

He says it out loud, after he's calmed down and they're laying quietly together. Hakyeon blinks in confusion. "Why?" he asks.

Taekwoon doesn't know how to answer, so he just shrugs.

"You have no reason to be sorry," Hakyeon assures him. "We can go at your own pace. I'm not in a hurry."

But what if, Taekwoon wonders, going his own pace leads to... nothing? He doesn't see himself being ready anytime in the near future, or ever, really. He knows Hakyeon says he can wait, and he believes him, but Taekwoon thinks Hakyeon doesn't know how long of a wait he has ahead of him.

 

 

Taekwoon remembers watching television once, and seeing a disabled, paralyzed woman in a wheelchair and her husband. Apparently, she gave her husband permission to go out with other women in order to take care of his needs. At the time, Taekwoon had been pretty mindblown, but now it makes perfect sense, and he understands the woman completely. He loves Hakyeon, and wants him to be happy, no matter what it takes. If he has to sleep with other men to get what he needs and deserve, so be it.

Taekwoon doesn't know how to bring it up, so when he's at the library one day, he texts Hakyeon, _You can sleep with other people._

_WHAT???_ is Hakyeon's reply. Taekwoon expected this reaction, knowing how strange his suggestion sounds at first. He's typing out an explanation when he gets another message.

_What are you trying to say, Taekwoonie? :(_ The sad face hurts, going through Taekwoon coldly. He hates that sad face.

_I can't do it. So you can sleep with other people._ He hopes Hakyeon understands the message now

_Are you... breaking up with me...? :(_

_Stop doing sad face. No, I'm not._

_I'm confused. :(_

_STOP._

_:( Lol jk._

Taekwoon groans. This conversation is not going as he had planned. The head librarian gives him a look, reminding him to be quiet. He nods, mouthing out a sorry, and goes back to doing his job, ignoring his vibrating phone in his pocket.

 

 

When Taekwoon gets home, he explains it better to him. Hakyeon sits quietly, seemingly thinking it over, and Taekwoon waits patiently for his answer.

"Taekwoon," Hakyeon says finally. "Stay off the internet and stop watching TV."

Taekwoon frowns. "What?"

"You get too many ideas from there," Hakyeon chuckles lightly, taking Taekwoon's hand into his. "I don't care about ," he says carefully. "And I don't care if you don't want to do it, now or never. I'm not with you for , I'm with you because I love you." His face turns slightly red as he talks. "And, oh my God, I'm not going to sleep with other people."

Taekwoon is doubtful, examining Hakyeon's face. He looks and sounds sincere. "Really?"

"Really," Hakyeon repeats. "I'm not that shallow of a person."

Taekwoon looks down at his feet. "But... isn't there something wrong with me?"

"No," Hakyeon answers, giving his hand a squeeze. "A lot of people don't like or need . There's nothing wrong with you. You're fine."

"And," he continues, "How can you say you don't give me what I need? You provide me with plenty of things. Like hugs, dinners, company, laughs, and most importantly, love." Hakyeon pauses for a moment, before groaning. "That was so cheesy."

Taekwoon agrees. It was cheesy. But nice at the same time.

 

 

It takes Taekwoon a while, but he slowly starts to believe it. That he's good enough, and okay just the way he is. He tells Hakyeon more, about feeling useless and how everything from the past still bothers him, and he helps him tremendously, constantly reassuring him and giving him advice.

Rin Hi helps as well, suggesting that instead of sitting back in the support group, he speaks up about his problems. No one will understand him like people that's been through what he has.

So he does, and Rin Hi is right, of course. It helps to talk it out. Everyone is supportive, and talk about their own similar struggles. He starts to talk with another boy, whose parents abused him as well. Taekwoon hadn't really known he had been abused, until he started to talk in support group, and learned that's what the name for their behavior is. Abuse.

Taekwoon's sorry that the boy, Se Il, had to go through it, but at the same time he's glad he's not alone. He talks to him more and more, and before he knows it, he has another friend. And it feels amazing.

 

The years go by, pretty fast it feels to Taekwoon. Hakyeon finishes school, and gets a good job to start him off, and they move from the tiny apartment to a small house. Despite Hakyeon missing his parents, they both decide to stay in the city they've grown to love.

They make a few changes after moving. They do away with the bunk bed, getting a bed that's big enough for the two of them together. Taekwoon loves it. It's huge and soft and fluffy and bouncy. One of his favorite things to do is just lay on it, deep in thought with Hakyeon next to him, petting his hair and humming songs.

Then, they get a new kitten. It's Hakyeon's present to Taekwoon for his 25th birthday, and Taekwoon is thrilled. He names him Bibi, because it's a fun name to say. Bibi is grey and white, meows a lot, and likes to climb up people's legs. Taekwoon loves him.

Hakyeon also teaches Taekwoon how to cook a little outside of the microwave, moving onto the stovetop. They start off with noodles first, then eggs and grilled cheese and things like that. Taekwoon is still a bit jerky when he uses the stovetop, but he knows eventually, he'll get better.

Taekwoon also still has he job at the library. Support group ended a long while ago, but he still keeps up with nearly everyone he met there. Especially Rin Hi and Se Il, his best friends.

Hakyeon has his friends as well, and Taekwoon is a bit better at handling people now. He goes out to dinner with them one night, and it feels incredibly good when Hakyeon introduces him as his boyfriend, proudly beaming. His friends find them cute, and teases, asking when the wedding is. It makes Taekwoon turn red, but he can't help but wonder if he and Hakyeon will ever get married. He's not in any rush to, though.

 

 

His eldest sister contacts him, somehow finding out his phone number, and they have a long conversation. She apologizes for their behavior and attitude towards him when they were younger. She invites him to her house, and Taekwoon hesitates, but agrees.

Hakyeon goes along with him, of course, holding his hand throughout the drive there, sensing how nervous Taekwoon is. His sister hugs him tightly when she sees him. It's odd, but it feels good. Maybe they can get their relationship on the right track, Taekwoon hopes.

She's married, and has two daughters. It's Taekwoon's first time meeting his brother in law properly, and the very first time he's meeting his nieces. They're adorable, and he instantly falls in love with them, and there's just something about the way Hakyeon plays with them that makes Taekwoon's heart flutter. Maybe they can have children in the future, as well. Adopt a few. Definitely not now, but someday.

His sister convinces him to meet with his mother. His father, he learns, died a few years earlier from a bad case of pneumonia. Taekwoon isn't sure how to take it. He's not exactly sad, but he's not happy, either, like he once said he'd be if something was to ever happen to his parents. He cries later, Hakyeon holding him like he usual does.

 

 

His mother lives alone now. She cries when she sees her son. Taekwoon doesn't cry, though he kind of feels like it. She apologizes for everything, and gives Taekwoon a letter his father wrote to him, but never got a chance to mail. He doesn't open it just yet, he's not ready to.

As it turns out, she's kept in touched with Hakyeon's parents all these years, who kept her updated on Taekwoon, going by whatever Hakyeon told them. It shocks Taekwoon, and Hakyeon, who later apologizes to him about his parents disrespecting his wishes.

"It's fine," Taekwoon says, and it is. He's kinda glad they done it, and it makes him feel warm knowing his mother had still thought about him. He hasn't forgiven her nor his father completely yet, but he's glad they're getting somewhere.

 

 

Taekwoon feels like a lion again, like he did when he was little. He's thought about that a lot recently, and he thinks he understands why he was so set on being a lion.

In a world where he was ridiculed, yelled at, looked down upon because he was different, he found peace in being a lion. He had felt weak and useless back then. But when he first put on that lion onesie, and growled at his mother, he had felt strong and powerful. Invincible and unstoppable. Being a lion gave him the confidence he needed.

"You were a cute little lion," Hakyeon tells him, as they look at an old photograph of the two of them in first grade. Taekwoon's in his onesie, showing off his "scary lion" teeth.

Taekwoon doesn't think he was cute. In fact, if someone had told him he was cute back then he probably would had screamed and kicked them. No, he wasn't cute. He was ferocious, and great, and terrifying. He was a lion.

He _is_ a lion.


End file.
